Lie Awake

Good morning! So I woke up this morning because I couldn't sleep.

3AM:
BING! Wake up, I have no idea what is going on all I know it I am freaked out... I mull over yesterdays events... Realize what was the problem is and start singing a hymn in my head because (before turning on my brain fully) I convinced myself that their was someone in my room and they are going to hurt me. Once my blood stops rushing in my ears I start to journal, then pray and then I read.

Now I am thinking "Great! you can't even sleep in on the weekend. What is wrong with you?! YOU WORK ALL WEEK CRAZY PANTS!"

5 AM: Now I am awake and thinking maybe I can go on blogger..... Go back upstairs to fold laundry (can't put any away my drawers are too squeaky) GET WATER! Think "huh to see the sunrise would be nice" Go back upstairs...

List To Make A Morning Sunrise:
Grab a blanket
Water
Laptop (Stolen-Borrowed from sister)
Bungle around your house with said objects. The more sounds you make the better.
Appreciate the quiet once you get outside w/ out being detected
Get on Blogger
Sign off in time to watch the sun come over the tops of the houses
Love life!

Ta for now! XO

The ways of the heart

"I need a graceful, proud way to let go
To smile and accept the things that you don't know
The losses and the gains blurred
The weight of these as last words"
-Dawes

So these past few weeks have been somewhat trying. Ok, they've been downright AWFUL. I have been trying to be a gracious and open but I must say that I have been having a hard time of it. I cannot go against my conscience or my soul. Maybe I was the one at fault for going forward when I had doubts. Naturally I assumed they would dissipate or at least I would be able "handle" them. I am not condemning anyone, in fact I feel as if I am releasing him to live his life as he sees fit. I have never been one to force my views at anyone especially people that are close to me. I give them my view then allow them to make their own decisions. Choose what you want. I will surely abide by mine, even if that means waking away. What hurts the most is that you couldn't even give your HONEST opinion about me. Friends do that for one another... Perhaps it was you trying to "protect" me or hoped that eventually I would change but to speak truth: I like myself just the way I AM. Do not think that I say that just to cause a stir, heh if anything I try to keep the boat from rocking, as it were. (Just had a crazy mental picture of me fighting tooth and nail to avoid so much as a ripple! Crazier still is that once it starts it comes back on over itself until it cannot help but effect everything inside of it ) Throughout this I have felt as if I had all these expectations hanging over me. That may not be the case it may just be paranoia or nerves or whatever. I cannot help but notice that I am so much less of a mess... then again that is life. It helps you undertake the great task of reworking yourself and as with any trial getting back God and to the Word. (really what matters) Love to all! And goodnight/mornin ;)

It goes on

Life never plays out the way we hope it would.... I wish I could of looked ahead and realized that sometimes people make choices that change what we think of life. I could not have predicted that my heart would take me in a totally different direction than I originally thought. We run around desperately trying to convince ourselves of what we want, and yet is it REALLY what we were after?!

"Relationships are hard!" everyone tells me. With this little taste I have had I can say that is true, I wouldn't go so far as to say they are not worth it but that you better make sure you are willing to explore yourself to see how far you can go. KNOW TO BE KNOWN.

Even if you see that ending it is what is best (and it hurts but it's necessary) you can still be friends and get along... well not that everyone can do this but at least you try. Right?

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Phil 4:11

Today

Hello Everyone!

So I know that I have been a bit lax in writing... Hmm what has been going on. Well spring is coming along :) I hope to see birds and spot buds soon. Spring is one of the joys in life that you better take time to appreciate because it is pretty special. The vibrancy and life in everything is intoxicating! I so LOVE being able to walk around and just soak it all up.

Miscommunication... goodness. This has to be the root of most (if not all) problems! It is so funny how we are  quick to put our own connotations to e-mails, phone calls, and conversations. Not that we go about seeking to muddle up everything it's just how it seems to happen.

Going to St. Paul tomorrow to work on Purity Retreat stuff. Looking forward to visiting with the Toombs! :D

How to be

What is expected of you? What are your expectations for yourself?

What we say.

I notice words, I read them, I use them to express myself. Words; funny little things aren't they? How they can be said, given, and gifted but cannot be taken back. They can heal, they help, they give hope. And of course they can do the opposite: they tear, take, and leave tears.  Words or lyrics or what have you... words have profound effects. Emotional. Spiritual. Physical. I feel as if I should not speak, learn to just listen without right away going and giving my opinions. (I just get so excited it comes jumbling out!) Music is like this but much more liquid. I often listen to something and it gets my creative juices flowing. I don't know about anyone else but music is a big part of my life, but I digress... Words. Watch, listen, and learn them for they will surprize you.

Perquisition for a Real Man

I don't know about anyone else but the title of this post makes me laugh! Not that it's all that funny, actually it is quite serious. The search for that special person or in this case a Real Man is a grueling one! I know how easy it is to be discouraged by the people of the male persuasion that really have no idea of what they are doing of who they are so they go and just act stupid and don't know what a girl is really looking for. OK I am going to feel embarrassed but it is an example of what I am talking about, last night my family and I watched a movie called Thor. It is basically about a race of gods that live on some kind of planet which travel back and forth through space and time on rainbow bridges ( I KNOW you are probably thinking "Huh???" but bare with me) So Thor is a self entitled arrogant brat that can't wait till he becomes King. Then through a series of events and lots of details he is stripped of his powers and is banished to Earth. Cue cute but nerdy scientist lady Jane Forster. She is on one of her regular trips out to look at the skies at night and BAM Thor makes a crash landing (literally) she is freaked out and takes him to the hospital (Talk about first impressions!). Fast-forward to when he is released into to Jane's care. She teaches him how to interact with people and basic manners. Then her father figure sees that Jane is getting attached to Thor and asks him to leave, Thor agrees (without being a jerk about it!!!!!) but then "Mr. Dad" ends up getting drunk and Thor has to take him home. (More like carrying a sack of potatoes! This guy is CUT) So he ends up staying and he stops being self absorbed and *finally!* starts thinking about others and of course he starts to fall in love with the lovely Jane. BUT then problems arise! And though a LOT more details and events Thor has to go back to his planet. He gives Jane a kiss in the hand and just stares into her eyes (Jane was not satisfied with that!) She pulls him in for a full on kiss then he just smiles and says "I will come back for you. I promise." OK so my POINT here was to show that most men are selfish arrogant and immature BUT they have the ability to change once that special girl in their lives (even if your just his good friend or sister) ask them to change. I can say I have done my share of complaining and griping, but you, that's right Y-O-U have the opportunity and privilege to encourage the men in your life! And of any of you who already know a guy that is already like this *count yourself lucky* and LET THEM KNOW HOW MUCH YOU APPRECIATE IT. Do you think it is easy for them to be that way?! In a culture that is CONSTANTLY telling them to have the "Imma Do Me" attitude among other things they have to work at it: All. The. Time. So just give them a word of encouragement every so often to let them know "Hey, Keep up the good work!" :)