A lesson learned

I have been thinking a lot about what I want from life. Before I thought it was a career that I could throw myself into until Prince Charming came along start a family then go on from there. Hehe well funny how life goes and changes your plans on ya! I have decided that the traditional way of doing things is what works best for me and I don't need to be apologetic for it. I will go do Grace School of the Bible be a missionary and perhaps go on to learn how to translate English to Spanish and use that for what ever it is needed for. I also realized that I was using school as a distraction and hiding from some nagging questions that I didn't want to face. Well I am still working through some of them but I feel so much better! I am equipped to handle them and I can decide what to do sanely instead of having a million things push and pull at me vying for my attention. I feel clear headed and able for once. It is nice. :)  Now I am thinking about my plans for this year and the goals I want to accomplish, I am truly grateful for this time in my life it's exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Last year I was asking myself what I wanted to do in life and losing sleep over the fact  that I didn't know. In some ways I am still asking the same questions but now I know where to find the Answer. I am still finding out how to "do" this and am on this crazy journey called Life but I wouldn't have it any other way. :D

On and on we go.

I am in love with this time of year. Or maybe it's because the fall is coming? Whatever the reason, I am enjoying the time I have had to really sit back and enjoy the life I have been given. Maybe it's because I have a foot out of commission and have to take breaks but all in all it has been a good week. :) Today I was able to shuffle around in the garden with my Momma. I forget how I can be happiest outside with the grass under my feet, the sun shining in my hair and the beautiful sky overhead. I think that everyone needs to be reminded that it's the simple things that matter most. Whether it is digging around in a garden, or walking in the moonlight, sharing a great meal, or having someone say they love you; that is was matters. Not the big paycheck, or the best car, or the biggest house. Be happy where you are, or you will never be happy.

XO

Changes

As I wrote previously I was mostly complaining... One of the things I hate most about myself is that I can be negative sometimes without even realizing it. Anyways I have been working on that and I am happy to say that it is going well! These past few weeks have really changed and challenged me I finally realized that I can't expect to change on the outside if I am not also changing on the inside. PTL! I know that the only way I will change my heart and it's character is by renewing my mind ( Romans 12:2)  I am just SO thankful for the life I am living right now! Sure the future is not all planned out but I am CONTENT. I am going to use this time to grow and learn how to trust the Lord  in everything I do. I had to let go of a friend when I realized that I was being hurt instead of helped. I am still sad that I couldn't "fix" the situation but I know it was for the best, hopefully one day I will be able to talk to him and not still feel irritated and wronged. I am praying that the next time I meet him I will be able to be cordial and kind because he really needs that. I gave it my best and that's all I could do. I hope that one day he will realize what he did was wrong and that he needs to be kind instead of critical. Just to let you know I am not and was NEVER "interested" in starting anything with him, I just worry for that girl that will one day say she loves him. (that is my secretly caring heart talking right there) ;)

Love to all!

I am changing the outlook of this blog.

So I have FINALLY realized that I have been using this blog to mainly complain. Nobody is interested in reading about a whiner. And I am certain that I will be able to improve what is in here. I really am thankful for the life I live! I just usually write about it in my journal. :) Sorry again Readers.

What I need.

So I was watching a movie ( been doing that A LOT this summer) It is called How Do You Know. Watch it if you want. I thought it was kinnda funny but it is a "chick-flick".  (So... Be warned whomever dislikes the genre!) Still, it made me think long and hard about what I want from a relationship. Hmmm a chick-flick is making me THINK?! Anyhow, I have spent this past year trying to be "smart" and keep a close eye on my heart and emotions, it's been going well for me (I guess) haven't fallen for a guy yet. Well at least I am more critical of dirt bags and selfish idiots. Still I spend alot of time telling myself why I don't need a guy in my life right now... then I see a couple holding hands and whatever and I am like DANG IT! Because I just started thinking of what it would be like to be doing that and in it goes till I realize what I am doing and start yelling at myself "STOP! NOW! This is what messed you up the first time!!!" Trying to battle loneliness and doing a pretty good job. :) Still I have those doubts but they are getting easier to deal with.

More later. XO

OK so guys are generally getting on my nerves right now (sorry any nice guys! I am not always like this I PROMISE) It just annoys me how they think they can add hearts to the end of their messages and expect us to drop everything and come begging them to take us out or just generally being annoying. Sigh.

Emily is joining me at College!

EMILYBENDER IS COMMING TO ECC! This should be fun! I am hoping that it will be awesome for both her and myself next semester. I know I am for sure finishing my A.A. but I still don't know if I will go off to SCAD. I want to take a break I need to learn somethings grow some more and develop. I really am interested in doing missions but not sure if I can have the opportunity. Money and my own fears are what get in the way. On one hand I feel that if I don't get my schooling done I will struggle greatly in life. But at the same time what is really important? Is it money? No. I don't value that against people and relationships. I want to care for others and help them to see that they are in need of someone greater. (GOD) everything just feels like it gets into the way of that happening. Life is so distracting, it takes from what should be our focus and muddles everything. Still it is in life that we need to function and show others by example Whom we serve. Roman (guy I met in Art) was telling me about his "trrippin" experience and (while I was doing math) he keeps telling me if I want one that it will help me (I have never had any kind of illegal anything!) kept refusing, he now refers to me as "Mom" since I am such a little mother apparently. I know how to mother people rather well and I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing but at the same time I begin to care too much.... Ahhh where can I find a healthy balance?

More to come.


I am writing another blasted paper.... and so I distract myself by doing this. LOL Don't ask me what is the best way to accomplish papers I do not know! I am happy just gererally... I got a good grade on my paper, I have just 2 more weeks of this semmester, and I have reasearched my intended field of study.... (yeah yeah, I know I know alot about it already but it always helps to know more!)  I am glad to know that I am generally doing OK in school. B's and math is just sad so I won't mention it. :) Time to write that paper...

Once more

I don't know why but the song Secrets by One Republic in stuck in my head. And it feels like my life right now... Geez that is SO Cliche!( I think I just threw-up my self respect) Well I guess I wouldn't be a good little college student if I didn't live some kind of stupid pattern out. BEGH! I am sick of this! I am apathetic towards my own life and that is NO way to live. I need to find something to pursue and not get bogged down in this mire of languid nothingness. It has been this way for far too long I keep telling myself to get over this. I know what I have to live for and what I should be doing but still gets hard sometimes. If you actually care then you set yourself up to be knocked down and squished into this mold that the Man wants... I will fight against that no matter what. (OH MYLANTA I  guess I do care I just act like I don't.)  This fight is just draining. I guess in reality I am just scared, scared of who I am/was and what I could become. But then again aren't we all?