I am changing the outlook of this blog.

So I have FINALLY realized that I have been using this blog to mainly complain. Nobody is interested in reading about a whiner. And I am certain that I will be able to improve what is in here. I really am thankful for the life I live! I just usually write about it in my journal. :) Sorry again Readers.

What I need.

So I was watching a movie ( been doing that A LOT this summer) It is called How Do You Know. Watch it if you want. I thought it was kinnda funny but it is a "chick-flick".  (So... Be warned whomever dislikes the genre!) Still, it made me think long and hard about what I want from a relationship. Hmmm a chick-flick is making me THINK?! Anyhow, I have spent this past year trying to be "smart" and keep a close eye on my heart and emotions, it's been going well for me (I guess) haven't fallen for a guy yet. Well at least I am more critical of dirt bags and selfish idiots. Still I spend alot of time telling myself why I don't need a guy in my life right now... then I see a couple holding hands and whatever and I am like DANG IT! Because I just started thinking of what it would be like to be doing that and in it goes till I realize what I am doing and start yelling at myself "STOP! NOW! This is what messed you up the first time!!!" Trying to battle loneliness and doing a pretty good job. :) Still I have those doubts but they are getting easier to deal with.

More later. XO

OK so guys are generally getting on my nerves right now (sorry any nice guys! I am not always like this I PROMISE) It just annoys me how they think they can add hearts to the end of their messages and expect us to drop everything and come begging them to take us out or just generally being annoying. Sigh.

Emily is joining me at College!

EMILYBENDER IS COMMING TO ECC! This should be fun! I am hoping that it will be awesome for both her and myself next semester. I know I am for sure finishing my A.A. but I still don't know if I will go off to SCAD. I want to take a break I need to learn somethings grow some more and develop. I really am interested in doing missions but not sure if I can have the opportunity. Money and my own fears are what get in the way. On one hand I feel that if I don't get my schooling done I will struggle greatly in life. But at the same time what is really important? Is it money? No. I don't value that against people and relationships. I want to care for others and help them to see that they are in need of someone greater. (GOD) everything just feels like it gets into the way of that happening. Life is so distracting, it takes from what should be our focus and muddles everything. Still it is in life that we need to function and show others by example Whom we serve. Roman (guy I met in Art) was telling me about his "trrippin" experience and (while I was doing math) he keeps telling me if I want one that it will help me (I have never had any kind of illegal anything!) kept refusing, he now refers to me as "Mom" since I am such a little mother apparently. I know how to mother people rather well and I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing but at the same time I begin to care too much.... Ahhh where can I find a healthy balance?

More to come.


I am writing another blasted paper.... and so I distract myself by doing this. LOL Don't ask me what is the best way to accomplish papers I do not know! I am happy just gererally... I got a good grade on my paper, I have just 2 more weeks of this semmester, and I have reasearched my intended field of study.... (yeah yeah, I know I know alot about it already but it always helps to know more!)  I am glad to know that I am generally doing OK in school. B's and math is just sad so I won't mention it. :) Time to write that paper...

Once more

I don't know why but the song Secrets by One Republic in stuck in my head. And it feels like my life right now... Geez that is SO Cliche!( I think I just threw-up my self respect) Well I guess I wouldn't be a good little college student if I didn't live some kind of stupid pattern out. BEGH! I am sick of this! I am apathetic towards my own life and that is NO way to live. I need to find something to pursue and not get bogged down in this mire of languid nothingness. It has been this way for far too long I keep telling myself to get over this. I know what I have to live for and what I should be doing but still gets hard sometimes. If you actually care then you set yourself up to be knocked down and squished into this mold that the Man wants... I will fight against that no matter what. (OH MYLANTA I  guess I do care I just act like I don't.)  This fight is just draining. I guess in reality I am just scared, scared of who I am/was and what I could become. But then again aren't we all?

School sucks

Yeah I said it. And I don't know why I am complaining, this is my ticket to what I want to do. But it just feels good to complain sometimes (or is that all the time?) HA I guess I am just a nut. One that starts hyperventilating when I see yarn, pointy sticks, and color! My poor family does not understand how I can rant and rave about yarn and fabric and all that is good in life for hours on end. :) I love the blank stares that I get when I start talking about this. Did I mention that I am avoiding a paper that I should be doing right now? Over 5 friggin hours and I only am one page down. Grrrr I HATE THIS!

just had a crazy vision of me ripping off my headphones (checked out from the library... Old school ones BTW) and crushing then under my dainty heel! I can barely stand it any more!

March 29, 2011 1:58 PM

4booksandallthatjazz said...

along with the computer and keyboard... I can see them now: just sailing out from the library and smashing through the window and falling into the new Jobe lounge. ( I feel bad for the sucker walking by unawares that he/she is going to be possibly be killed by a flying projectile!)

March 29, 2011 2:06 PM

I should just have kept writting....

Oddly, this is actually helping me get this thing done... I write for a few minutes then write in here and a instantly have new ideas! This is good. I want to learn how to play the Mandolin! It is such a happy sounding insturment.♥ ha *Jaz the Mandolin Player* that sounds funny teehee :D

Life and how to live it.

So I can't sit here and pretend I have all the answers. I don't. Heck, I am not even sure what to do with my life! I have be exploring this and I have come to Landscape Architect or get my PH.D  in Fiber Arts so I can be a professor. I am not sure yet. I am scared of the future and what it might hold. I know my most important goal in life is to have a Family and to raise godly generations in this wacked out world. So far that plan is kauputs. Don't have a boyfriend or anything. I mean for pete's sake I haven't even been on a date much less kissed ect.! (This is a good thing)   I know.... just wait, your time will come blah blah blah.... I just wish I had someone to BE there! And to love me even if I am running around Target laughing like a maniac cuz I just burped and it was quiet but it smelled and some poor (kinnda cute) guy walked into it and his face scrrunched up with disgust! HA it was HALARIOUS! (don't worry I was embarrassed.) Or a girl that LOVES The Black Keys AND Josh Goban at the same time! And procrastinates like nobodys business and I forg-e-t-s ever y thing!  AND LOVES ROCK MUSIC! ( and is rAnDoM) See? what kind of guy would want that???? I am too crazy even for myself sometimes.... And somehow I have to plan my life out.  Can you see why I have trouble sleeping at night?

New blog.

Eh my last blog was infiltrated by the enemy! So I had to make a new one.

Ok so he is not evil, but I just feel uncomfortable that he read that. I was FURIOUS in fact. Why? I put this up so people can read it. I just didn't want him to know that side of me, it felt wrong.

He wanted to talk about it, I told him "No."

I don't want you to know, I don't want to discuss, I don't want to see what your view is on it. I don't want you poking around my head and analyzing my thoughts. It's too close... it's my heart. Don't besmirch it, You are too rough. I know you don't want to be, but you are.... You are like an alien trying to understand my ways, my thought process, don't try to get into my head I don't want you in there. Just know the "surface" me. That is as far as you will get I am afraid. Why am I like this towards you? Why do annoy me so much? WHY?