Melting

I have been noticing that as the winter has stretched on towards spring well even though we aren't there just yet, I can't help but feel the softening of the earth and all the creatures in it! I am even going so far as to say that I am slowly starting to emerge from this protective shell I had built so concretely around my heart... Not that I was trying to cut myself off from everything and everyone I just felt that a "break" was needed. I couldn't try and act like all of a sudden my world was a basket of roses again. I was rebuilding in my little "cocoon"  and hoping to reemerge a better person. I feel that was my lesson to learn this past year :)

New(ish) Job

Hello (to whomever is still reading this!)

 I have gone feet first into the world of adulthood, that being: working full time (9-6, Mon-Fri, Ect.) and having bills. Plus I got my first traffic ticket *court date and all* :P With that comes not having time and scrambling to get stuff done. (ENDLESS CYCLE!) Still being single allows you to focus on work and fun on the weekends so hurrah or whatever... hehe. No I am happy really, I have learned a TON through all of this, I have "stretched" as a person and learned that in order to stand for what you want; you have to be willing to sacrifice and make the hard decisions. I have been so exhausted with the new job, dealing with the old BF *and still remaining friends* and adjusting to life as it is now.

This past summer feels like it was all a lucid dream, surreal and distant; almost disconnected in a way. I don't mean to sound like I was devoid of all feeling but I feel that I never really took it in, well at the time anyways. I am glad that I can look back now and think about the good times because back then I was too stressed and worried to let my guard down. Well I felt deep down that I wasn't what he was looking for and after the fact I found it to be true it just broke me. Plus, I was kidding myself to believe that I would one day be able to just give in to the "constitutional"  way of thinking. Note to self: FOLLOW your gut feelings. I just am a people please-r (er?) and I was trying WAYYYYY too hard! I literally was trying to change myself to fit into this "image" of what I thought was expected and "leading" a purity retreat didn't help. I DO NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM REGRET HOSTING/ORGANIZING THE PURITY RETREAT. I think we did a lot and benefited from getting together and helping each other out.  Good, now that that is settled. :) What I mean is that along with the word "Purity" a certain stigma is almost instantaneously assigned  i.e. head coverings or floor length hair, ugly/ out of date clothes, awkwardness or the inability to interact w/ the opposite sex... ect. No, that isn't what any of us was aiming for or that we were even promoting such things (don't worry). Actually quite the opposite.

But I digress, it just snowballed EVERYTHING into being the example for what is "supposed" to happen and how relationships are how we can eventually show the world the Christ-love for the church. (Husband and wife) I just got plain sick and tired of it. I mean (YES!) guys are supposed to love their wives as Christ loves the church and (YES!) wives are to submit themselves to their husbands. So (before y'all bite my head off or call me a crazy liberal) ;)  I just began to realize that no longer was the focus on Christ but on performance and doing things the "right" way. Again, if you do not touch your BF/GF or strive to keep purity a priority, kudos to you!  I am not knocking that at all! Honest. I am just more concerned with how REGARDLESS of your relationship status you are treating all of your brothers and sisters in Christ! THAT is the real prize we should be striving for, not having the perfect courtship, or keeping a dress code, or following the "rules". Once more, not saying to go crazy or flaunt yourself. The bible is pretty clear on what is acceptable or not, so no antics or "Jazmin said...". I just noticed this and I wanted to write a bit about it. I have plenty more to add but I also have to go to bed. :P


Good night for now :)

Lie Awake

Good morning! So I woke up this morning because I couldn't sleep.

3AM:
BING! Wake up, I have no idea what is going on all I know it I am freaked out... I mull over yesterdays events... Realize what was the problem is and start singing a hymn in my head because (before turning on my brain fully) I convinced myself that their was someone in my room and they are going to hurt me. Once my blood stops rushing in my ears I start to journal, then pray and then I read.

Now I am thinking "Great! you can't even sleep in on the weekend. What is wrong with you?! YOU WORK ALL WEEK CRAZY PANTS!"

5 AM: Now I am awake and thinking maybe I can go on blogger..... Go back upstairs to fold laundry (can't put any away my drawers are too squeaky) GET WATER! Think "huh to see the sunrise would be nice" Go back upstairs...

List To Make A Morning Sunrise:
Grab a blanket
Water
Laptop (Stolen-Borrowed from sister)
Bungle around your house with said objects. The more sounds you make the better.
Appreciate the quiet once you get outside w/ out being detected
Get on Blogger
Sign off in time to watch the sun come over the tops of the houses
Love life!

Ta for now! XO

The ways of the heart

"I need a graceful, proud way to let go
To smile and accept the things that you don't know
The losses and the gains blurred
The weight of these as last words"
-Dawes

So these past few weeks have been somewhat trying. Ok, they've been downright AWFUL. I have been trying to be a gracious and open but I must say that I have been having a hard time of it. I cannot go against my conscience or my soul. Maybe I was the one at fault for going forward when I had doubts. Naturally I assumed they would dissipate or at least I would be able "handle" them. I am not condemning anyone, in fact I feel as if I am releasing him to live his life as he sees fit. I have never been one to force my views at anyone especially people that are close to me. I give them my view then allow them to make their own decisions. Choose what you want. I will surely abide by mine, even if that means waking away. What hurts the most is that you couldn't even give your HONEST opinion about me. Friends do that for one another... Perhaps it was you trying to "protect" me or hoped that eventually I would change but to speak truth: I like myself just the way I AM. Do not think that I say that just to cause a stir, heh if anything I try to keep the boat from rocking, as it were. (Just had a crazy mental picture of me fighting tooth and nail to avoid so much as a ripple! Crazier still is that once it starts it comes back on over itself until it cannot help but effect everything inside of it ) Throughout this I have felt as if I had all these expectations hanging over me. That may not be the case it may just be paranoia or nerves or whatever. I cannot help but notice that I am so much less of a mess... then again that is life. It helps you undertake the great task of reworking yourself and as with any trial getting back God and to the Word. (really what matters) Love to all! And goodnight/mornin ;)

It goes on

Life never plays out the way we hope it would.... I wish I could of looked ahead and realized that sometimes people make choices that change what we think of life. I could not have predicted that my heart would take me in a totally different direction than I originally thought. We run around desperately trying to convince ourselves of what we want, and yet is it REALLY what we were after?!

"Relationships are hard!" everyone tells me. With this little taste I have had I can say that is true, I wouldn't go so far as to say they are not worth it but that you better make sure you are willing to explore yourself to see how far you can go. KNOW TO BE KNOWN.

Even if you see that ending it is what is best (and it hurts but it's necessary) you can still be friends and get along... well not that everyone can do this but at least you try. Right?

"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Phil 4:11

Today

Hello Everyone!

So I know that I have been a bit lax in writing... Hmm what has been going on. Well spring is coming along :) I hope to see birds and spot buds soon. Spring is one of the joys in life that you better take time to appreciate because it is pretty special. The vibrancy and life in everything is intoxicating! I so LOVE being able to walk around and just soak it all up.

Miscommunication... goodness. This has to be the root of most (if not all) problems! It is so funny how we are  quick to put our own connotations to e-mails, phone calls, and conversations. Not that we go about seeking to muddle up everything it's just how it seems to happen.

Going to St. Paul tomorrow to work on Purity Retreat stuff. Looking forward to visiting with the Toombs! :D

How to be

What is expected of you? What are your expectations for yourself?

What we say.

I notice words, I read them, I use them to express myself. Words; funny little things aren't they? How they can be said, given, and gifted but cannot be taken back. They can heal, they help, they give hope. And of course they can do the opposite: they tear, take, and leave tears.  Words or lyrics or what have you... words have profound effects. Emotional. Spiritual. Physical. I feel as if I should not speak, learn to just listen without right away going and giving my opinions. (I just get so excited it comes jumbling out!) Music is like this but much more liquid. I often listen to something and it gets my creative juices flowing. I don't know about anyone else but music is a big part of my life, but I digress... Words. Watch, listen, and learn them for they will surprize you.

Perquisition for a Real Man

I don't know about anyone else but the title of this post makes me laugh! Not that it's all that funny, actually it is quite serious. The search for that special person or in this case a Real Man is a grueling one! I know how easy it is to be discouraged by the people of the male persuasion that really have no idea of what they are doing of who they are so they go and just act stupid and don't know what a girl is really looking for. OK I am going to feel embarrassed but it is an example of what I am talking about, last night my family and I watched a movie called Thor. It is basically about a race of gods that live on some kind of planet which travel back and forth through space and time on rainbow bridges ( I KNOW you are probably thinking "Huh???" but bare with me) So Thor is a self entitled arrogant brat that can't wait till he becomes King. Then through a series of events and lots of details he is stripped of his powers and is banished to Earth. Cue cute but nerdy scientist lady Jane Forster. She is on one of her regular trips out to look at the skies at night and BAM Thor makes a crash landing (literally) she is freaked out and takes him to the hospital (Talk about first impressions!). Fast-forward to when he is released into to Jane's care. She teaches him how to interact with people and basic manners. Then her father figure sees that Jane is getting attached to Thor and asks him to leave, Thor agrees (without being a jerk about it!!!!!) but then "Mr. Dad" ends up getting drunk and Thor has to take him home. (More like carrying a sack of potatoes! This guy is CUT) So he ends up staying and he stops being self absorbed and *finally!* starts thinking about others and of course he starts to fall in love with the lovely Jane. BUT then problems arise! And though a LOT more details and events Thor has to go back to his planet. He gives Jane a kiss in the hand and just stares into her eyes (Jane was not satisfied with that!) She pulls him in for a full on kiss then he just smiles and says "I will come back for you. I promise." OK so my POINT here was to show that most men are selfish arrogant and immature BUT they have the ability to change once that special girl in their lives (even if your just his good friend or sister) ask them to change. I can say I have done my share of complaining and griping, but you, that's right Y-O-U have the opportunity and privilege to encourage the men in your life! And of any of you who already know a guy that is already like this *count yourself lucky* and LET THEM KNOW HOW MUCH YOU APPRECIATE IT. Do you think it is easy for them to be that way?! In a culture that is CONSTANTLY telling them to have the "Imma Do Me" attitude among other things they have to work at it: All. The. Time. So just give them a word of encouragement every so often to let them know "Hey, Keep up the good work!" :)

Different Opinions

Hello All, 
Lots of things have been going on these past few weeks but one thing that has come up over and over again is the fact that I am not in school this semester. Ha, man I don't even know if I am going to go back. At this rate and the amount of money I have saved I might as well wait till next semester (or never go back?) This has been on my mind a lot these past few days... I have also been thinking about how people react when I tell them that I might not go back. Even though they respond politely with some quip or other I can see it in their eyes "What is she THINKING!?" ( I think that myself sometimes!) But I know school isn't for me right now. I have already done too much! I know that there is NO WAY I could of accomplished all this if I wasn't off, like I said I just don't really see the value of going right now. I guess the reason that I am writing about this is well, I just don't like being judged. Plain and simple, I know of one person in particular whom I know will not agree with me and my decision. WELL, this is where the rubber meets the road buddy! I remember someone saying that I would have their support. Even my mom has made comments like "Well since you dropped out of college, insurance is going to drop you... etc." I know she doesn't mean to be rough or anything but it still makes me feel like a burden. When I was in college I felt even MORE so, my dad knew I couldn't pay all the bill's myself so he helped out. (My daddy worked his butt off to get me to go the first semester.) It's not that I am not grateful, I just can't find a reason (that satisfies me) to go. And I feel I have "Half As 'ed "enough. I know people will call me lazy or pathetic or whatever but I don't want to waste my life chasing some stupid degree and paying through the nose to get a piece of paper that basically says "Good Job. You now know how to take directions and follow them really well!".  Sigh, I just need to figure what that something is. Right now I would just be happy to learn how to quilt, sew, and spin yarn well. I guess I fail at being a Feminist! HAHAHA! :D

More to follow.

Growing up.

 I have been looking at my old post and it's been interesting to see the ways I have been growing and maturing (Shocking I KNOW!) well I am still quite silly and all that but I think I will keep learning until the day I die. Anyone who thinks the have "arrived" have a ways to go. I try to understand what I want to gain from my day to day experience, and remembering how what I do every day will affect others whether it be good or bad. (thanks Karen for showing us that!)  :D It is great when believers can come together and pursue the same goal, I for one am encouraged and thankful that I have like minded sisters and brothers that help me stay "on track" I really don't know where I would be without them! So many decisions that I have made and continue to make is because they are there to support and understand what I am going through. 

 This past week end has been so edifying! I have learned so much. First,we went to a Purity Conference held by Sarah Mally. We got there a few hours before it was supposed to start. My sisters were not really thrilled at the prospect of going *skirts (long ones at that), purity speeches, and working on home-work that was left over from the past week didn't seem like a awesome way to spend the weekend* :P But the said aftrewards they were happy they came! Still, I think visits with the local saints helped break up the "monotony". It was great getting to spend time and talk about what has been going on in one another's lives since we last spent time together and it struck me how easy it was to just kinnda "pick up where we left off" and how truly comfotable it was sitting around and talking about our childhood memories and mishaps! :P  I guess you can say I am going through "fellowship withdrawals" *Sigh* I just wish that we would all live closer and be able to see one another more often.

A lesson learned

I have been thinking a lot about what I want from life. Before I thought it was a career that I could throw myself into until Prince Charming came along start a family then go on from there. Hehe well funny how life goes and changes your plans on ya! I have decided that the traditional way of doing things is what works best for me and I don't need to be apologetic for it. I will go do Grace School of the Bible be a missionary and perhaps go on to learn how to translate English to Spanish and use that for what ever it is needed for. I also realized that I was using school as a distraction and hiding from some nagging questions that I didn't want to face. Well I am still working through some of them but I feel so much better! I am equipped to handle them and I can decide what to do sanely instead of having a million things push and pull at me vying for my attention. I feel clear headed and able for once. It is nice. :)  Now I am thinking about my plans for this year and the goals I want to accomplish, I am truly grateful for this time in my life it's exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Last year I was asking myself what I wanted to do in life and losing sleep over the fact  that I didn't know. In some ways I am still asking the same questions but now I know where to find the Answer. I am still finding out how to "do" this and am on this crazy journey called Life but I wouldn't have it any other way. :D

On and on we go.

I am in love with this time of year. Or maybe it's because the fall is coming? Whatever the reason, I am enjoying the time I have had to really sit back and enjoy the life I have been given. Maybe it's because I have a foot out of commission and have to take breaks but all in all it has been a good week. :) Today I was able to shuffle around in the garden with my Momma. I forget how I can be happiest outside with the grass under my feet, the sun shining in my hair and the beautiful sky overhead. I think that everyone needs to be reminded that it's the simple things that matter most. Whether it is digging around in a garden, or walking in the moonlight, sharing a great meal, or having someone say they love you; that is was matters. Not the big paycheck, or the best car, or the biggest house. Be happy where you are, or you will never be happy.

XO

Changes

As I wrote previously I was mostly complaining... One of the things I hate most about myself is that I can be negative sometimes without even realizing it. Anyways I have been working on that and I am happy to say that it is going well! These past few weeks have really changed and challenged me I finally realized that I can't expect to change on the outside if I am not also changing on the inside. PTL! I know that the only way I will change my heart and it's character is by renewing my mind ( Romans 12:2)  I am just SO thankful for the life I am living right now! Sure the future is not all planned out but I am CONTENT. I am going to use this time to grow and learn how to trust the Lord  in everything I do. I had to let go of a friend when I realized that I was being hurt instead of helped. I am still sad that I couldn't "fix" the situation but I know it was for the best, hopefully one day I will be able to talk to him and not still feel irritated and wronged. I am praying that the next time I meet him I will be able to be cordial and kind because he really needs that. I gave it my best and that's all I could do. I hope that one day he will realize what he did was wrong and that he needs to be kind instead of critical. Just to let you know I am not and was NEVER "interested" in starting anything with him, I just worry for that girl that will one day say she loves him. (that is my secretly caring heart talking right there) ;)

Love to all!

I am changing the outlook of this blog.

So I have FINALLY realized that I have been using this blog to mainly complain. Nobody is interested in reading about a whiner. And I am certain that I will be able to improve what is in here. I really am thankful for the life I live! I just usually write about it in my journal. :) Sorry again Readers.

What I need.

So I was watching a movie ( been doing that A LOT this summer) It is called How Do You Know. Watch it if you want. I thought it was kinnda funny but it is a "chick-flick".  (So... Be warned whomever dislikes the genre!) Still, it made me think long and hard about what I want from a relationship. Hmmm a chick-flick is making me THINK?! Anyhow, I have spent this past year trying to be "smart" and keep a close eye on my heart and emotions, it's been going well for me (I guess) haven't fallen for a guy yet. Well at least I am more critical of dirt bags and selfish idiots. Still I spend alot of time telling myself why I don't need a guy in my life right now... then I see a couple holding hands and whatever and I am like DANG IT! Because I just started thinking of what it would be like to be doing that and in it goes till I realize what I am doing and start yelling at myself "STOP! NOW! This is what messed you up the first time!!!" Trying to battle loneliness and doing a pretty good job. :) Still I have those doubts but they are getting easier to deal with.

More later. XO

OK so guys are generally getting on my nerves right now (sorry any nice guys! I am not always like this I PROMISE) It just annoys me how they think they can add hearts to the end of their messages and expect us to drop everything and come begging them to take us out or just generally being annoying. Sigh.

Emily is joining me at College!

EMILYBENDER IS COMMING TO ECC! This should be fun! I am hoping that it will be awesome for both her and myself next semester. I know I am for sure finishing my A.A. but I still don't know if I will go off to SCAD. I want to take a break I need to learn somethings grow some more and develop. I really am interested in doing missions but not sure if I can have the opportunity. Money and my own fears are what get in the way. On one hand I feel that if I don't get my schooling done I will struggle greatly in life. But at the same time what is really important? Is it money? No. I don't value that against people and relationships. I want to care for others and help them to see that they are in need of someone greater. (GOD) everything just feels like it gets into the way of that happening. Life is so distracting, it takes from what should be our focus and muddles everything. Still it is in life that we need to function and show others by example Whom we serve. Roman (guy I met in Art) was telling me about his "trrippin" experience and (while I was doing math) he keeps telling me if I want one that it will help me (I have never had any kind of illegal anything!) kept refusing, he now refers to me as "Mom" since I am such a little mother apparently. I know how to mother people rather well and I am not sure if that is a good or bad thing but at the same time I begin to care too much.... Ahhh where can I find a healthy balance?

More to come.


I am writing another blasted paper.... and so I distract myself by doing this. LOL Don't ask me what is the best way to accomplish papers I do not know! I am happy just gererally... I got a good grade on my paper, I have just 2 more weeks of this semmester, and I have reasearched my intended field of study.... (yeah yeah, I know I know alot about it already but it always helps to know more!)  I am glad to know that I am generally doing OK in school. B's and math is just sad so I won't mention it. :) Time to write that paper...

Once more

I don't know why but the song Secrets by One Republic in stuck in my head. And it feels like my life right now... Geez that is SO Cliche!( I think I just threw-up my self respect) Well I guess I wouldn't be a good little college student if I didn't live some kind of stupid pattern out. BEGH! I am sick of this! I am apathetic towards my own life and that is NO way to live. I need to find something to pursue and not get bogged down in this mire of languid nothingness. It has been this way for far too long I keep telling myself to get over this. I know what I have to live for and what I should be doing but still gets hard sometimes. If you actually care then you set yourself up to be knocked down and squished into this mold that the Man wants... I will fight against that no matter what. (OH MYLANTA I  guess I do care I just act like I don't.)  This fight is just draining. I guess in reality I am just scared, scared of who I am/was and what I could become. But then again aren't we all?

School sucks

Yeah I said it. And I don't know why I am complaining, this is my ticket to what I want to do. But it just feels good to complain sometimes (or is that all the time?) HA I guess I am just a nut. One that starts hyperventilating when I see yarn, pointy sticks, and color! My poor family does not understand how I can rant and rave about yarn and fabric and all that is good in life for hours on end. :) I love the blank stares that I get when I start talking about this. Did I mention that I am avoiding a paper that I should be doing right now? Over 5 friggin hours and I only am one page down. Grrrr I HATE THIS!

just had a crazy vision of me ripping off my headphones (checked out from the library... Old school ones BTW) and crushing then under my dainty heel! I can barely stand it any more!

March 29, 2011 1:58 PM

4booksandallthatjazz said...

along with the computer and keyboard... I can see them now: just sailing out from the library and smashing through the window and falling into the new Jobe lounge. ( I feel bad for the sucker walking by unawares that he/she is going to be possibly be killed by a flying projectile!)

March 29, 2011 2:06 PM

I should just have kept writting....

Oddly, this is actually helping me get this thing done... I write for a few minutes then write in here and a instantly have new ideas! This is good. I want to learn how to play the Mandolin! It is such a happy sounding insturment.♥ ha *Jaz the Mandolin Player* that sounds funny teehee :D

Life and how to live it.

So I can't sit here and pretend I have all the answers. I don't. Heck, I am not even sure what to do with my life! I have be exploring this and I have come to Landscape Architect or get my PH.D  in Fiber Arts so I can be a professor. I am not sure yet. I am scared of the future and what it might hold. I know my most important goal in life is to have a Family and to raise godly generations in this wacked out world. So far that plan is kauputs. Don't have a boyfriend or anything. I mean for pete's sake I haven't even been on a date much less kissed ect.! (This is a good thing)   I know.... just wait, your time will come blah blah blah.... I just wish I had someone to BE there! And to love me even if I am running around Target laughing like a maniac cuz I just burped and it was quiet but it smelled and some poor (kinnda cute) guy walked into it and his face scrrunched up with disgust! HA it was HALARIOUS! (don't worry I was embarrassed.) Or a girl that LOVES The Black Keys AND Josh Goban at the same time! And procrastinates like nobodys business and I forg-e-t-s ever y thing!  AND LOVES ROCK MUSIC! ( and is rAnDoM) See? what kind of guy would want that???? I am too crazy even for myself sometimes.... And somehow I have to plan my life out.  Can you see why I have trouble sleeping at night?