Saturday, January 12, 2013
Melting
I have been noticing that as the winter has stretched on towards spring well even though we aren't there just yet, I can't help but feel the softening of the earth and all the creatures in it! I am even going so far as to say that I am slowly starting to emerge from this protective shell I had built so concretely around my heart... Not that I was trying to cut myself off from everything and everyone I just felt that a "break" was needed. I couldn't try and act like all of a sudden my world was a basket of roses again. I was rebuilding in my little "cocoon" and hoping to reemerge a better person. I feel that was my lesson to learn this past year :)
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
New(ish) Job
Hello (to whomever is still reading this!)
I have gone feet first into the world of adulthood, that being: working full time (9-6, Mon-Fri, Ect.) and having bills. Plus I got my first traffic ticket *court date and all* :P With that comes not having time and scrambling to get stuff done. (ENDLESS CYCLE!) Still being single allows you to focus on work and fun on the weekends so hurrah or whatever... hehe. No I am happy really, I have learned a TON through all of this, I have "stretched" as a person and learned that in order to stand for what you want; you have to be willing to sacrifice and make the hard decisions. I have been so exhausted with the new job, dealing with the old BF *and still remaining friends* and adjusting to life as it is now.
This past summer feels like it was all a lucid dream, surreal and distant; almost disconnected in a way. I don't mean to sound like I was devoid of all feeling but I feel that I never really took it in, well at the time anyways. I am glad that I can look back now and think about the good times because back then I was too stressed and worried to let my guard down. Well I felt deep down that I wasn't what he was looking for and after the fact I found it to be true it just broke me. Plus, I was kidding myself to believe that I would one day be able to just give in to the "constitutional" way of thinking. Note to self: FOLLOW your gut feelings. I just am a people please-r (er?) and I was trying WAYYYYY too hard! I literally was trying to change myself to fit into this "image" of what I thought was expected and "leading" a purity retreat didn't help. I DO NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM REGRET HOSTING/ORGANIZING THE PURITY RETREAT. I think we did a lot and benefited from getting together and helping each other out. Good, now that that is settled. :) What I mean is that along with the word "Purity" a certain stigma is almost instantaneously assigned i.e. head coverings or floor length hair, ugly/ out of date clothes, awkwardness or the inability to interact w/ the opposite sex... ect. No, that isn't what any of us was aiming for or that we were even promoting such things (don't worry). Actually quite the opposite.
But I digress, it just snowballed EVERYTHING into being the example for what is "supposed" to happen and how relationships are how we can eventually show the world the Christ-love for the church. (Husband and wife) I just got plain sick and tired of it. I mean (YES!) guys are supposed to love their wives as Christ loves the church and (YES!) wives are to submit themselves to their husbands. So (before y'all bite my head off or call me a crazy liberal) ;) I just began to realize that no longer was the focus on Christ but on performance and doing things the "right" way. Again, if you do not touch your BF/GF or strive to keep purity a priority, kudos to you! I am not knocking that at all! Honest. I am just more concerned with how REGARDLESS of your relationship status you are treating all of your brothers and sisters in Christ! THAT is the real prize we should be striving for, not having the perfect courtship, or keeping a dress code, or following the "rules". Once more, not saying to go crazy or flaunt yourself. The bible is pretty clear on what is acceptable or not, so no antics or "Jazmin said...". I just noticed this and I wanted to write a bit about it. I have plenty more to add but I also have to go to bed. :P
Good night for now :)
I have gone feet first into the world of adulthood, that being: working full time (9-6, Mon-Fri, Ect.) and having bills. Plus I got my first traffic ticket *court date and all* :P With that comes not having time and scrambling to get stuff done. (ENDLESS CYCLE!) Still being single allows you to focus on work and fun on the weekends so hurrah or whatever... hehe. No I am happy really, I have learned a TON through all of this, I have "stretched" as a person and learned that in order to stand for what you want; you have to be willing to sacrifice and make the hard decisions. I have been so exhausted with the new job, dealing with the old BF *and still remaining friends* and adjusting to life as it is now.
This past summer feels like it was all a lucid dream, surreal and distant; almost disconnected in a way. I don't mean to sound like I was devoid of all feeling but I feel that I never really took it in, well at the time anyways. I am glad that I can look back now and think about the good times because back then I was too stressed and worried to let my guard down. Well I felt deep down that I wasn't what he was looking for and after the fact I found it to be true it just broke me. Plus, I was kidding myself to believe that I would one day be able to just give in to the "constitutional" way of thinking. Note to self: FOLLOW your gut feelings. I just am a people please-r (er?) and I was trying WAYYYYY too hard! I literally was trying to change myself to fit into this "image" of what I thought was expected and "leading" a purity retreat didn't help. I DO NOT IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM REGRET HOSTING/ORGANIZING THE PURITY RETREAT. I think we did a lot and benefited from getting together and helping each other out. Good, now that that is settled. :) What I mean is that along with the word "Purity" a certain stigma is almost instantaneously assigned i.e. head coverings or floor length hair, ugly/ out of date clothes, awkwardness or the inability to interact w/ the opposite sex... ect. No, that isn't what any of us was aiming for or that we were even promoting such things (don't worry). Actually quite the opposite.
But I digress, it just snowballed EVERYTHING into being the example for what is "supposed" to happen and how relationships are how we can eventually show the world the Christ-love for the church. (Husband and wife) I just got plain sick and tired of it. I mean (YES!) guys are supposed to love their wives as Christ loves the church and (YES!) wives are to submit themselves to their husbands. So (before y'all bite my head off or call me a crazy liberal) ;) I just began to realize that no longer was the focus on Christ but on performance and doing things the "right" way. Again, if you do not touch your BF/GF or strive to keep purity a priority, kudos to you! I am not knocking that at all! Honest. I am just more concerned with how REGARDLESS of your relationship status you are treating all of your brothers and sisters in Christ! THAT is the real prize we should be striving for, not having the perfect courtship, or keeping a dress code, or following the "rules". Once more, not saying to go crazy or flaunt yourself. The bible is pretty clear on what is acceptable or not, so no antics or "Jazmin said...". I just noticed this and I wanted to write a bit about it. I have plenty more to add but I also have to go to bed. :P
Good night for now :)
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Lie Awake
Good morning! So I woke up this morning because I couldn't sleep.
3AM:
BING! Wake up, I have no idea what is going on all I know it I am freaked out... I mull over yesterdays events... Realize what was the problem is and start singing a hymn in my head because (before turning on my brain fully) I convinced myself that their was someone in my room and they are going to hurt me. Once my blood stops rushing in my ears I start to journal, then pray and then I read.
Now I am thinking "Great! you can't even sleep in on the weekend. What is wrong with you?! YOU WORK ALL WEEK CRAZY PANTS!"
5 AM: Now I am awake and thinking maybe I can go on blogger..... Go back upstairs to fold laundry (can't put any away my drawers are too squeaky) GET WATER! Think "huh to see the sunrise would be nice" Go back upstairs...
List To Make A Morning Sunrise:
Grab a blanket
Water
Laptop (Stolen-Borrowed from sister)
Bungle around your house with said objects. The more sounds you make the better.
Appreciate the quiet once you get outside w/ out being detected
Get on Blogger
Sign off in time to watch the sun come over the tops of the houses
Love life!
Ta for now! XO
3AM:
BING! Wake up, I have no idea what is going on all I know it I am freaked out... I mull over yesterdays events... Realize what was the problem is and start singing a hymn in my head because (before turning on my brain fully) I convinced myself that their was someone in my room and they are going to hurt me. Once my blood stops rushing in my ears I start to journal, then pray and then I read.
Now I am thinking "Great! you can't even sleep in on the weekend. What is wrong with you?! YOU WORK ALL WEEK CRAZY PANTS!"
5 AM: Now I am awake and thinking maybe I can go on blogger..... Go back upstairs to fold laundry (can't put any away my drawers are too squeaky) GET WATER! Think "huh to see the sunrise would be nice" Go back upstairs...
List To Make A Morning Sunrise:
Grab a blanket
Water
Laptop (Stolen-Borrowed from sister)
Bungle around your house with said objects. The more sounds you make the better.
Appreciate the quiet once you get outside w/ out being detected
Get on Blogger
Sign off in time to watch the sun come over the tops of the houses
Love life!
Ta for now! XO
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The ways of the heart
"I need a graceful, proud way to let go
To smile and accept the things that you don't know
The losses and the gains blurred
The weight of these as last words"
-Dawes
So these past few weeks have been somewhat trying. Ok, they've been downright AWFUL. I have been trying to be a gracious and open but I must say that I have been having a hard time of it. I cannot go against my conscience or my soul. Maybe I was the one at fault for going forward when I had doubts. Naturally I assumed they would dissipate or at least I would be able "handle" them. I am not condemning anyone, in fact I feel as if I am releasing him to live his life as he sees fit. I have never been one to force my views at anyone especially people that are close to me. I give them my view then allow them to make their own decisions. Choose what you want. I will surely abide by mine, even if that means waking away. What hurts the most is that you couldn't even give your HONEST opinion about me. Friends do that for one another... Perhaps it was you trying to "protect" me or hoped that eventually I would change but to speak truth: I like myself just the way I AM. Do not think that I say that just to cause a stir, heh if anything I try to keep the boat from rocking, as it were. (Just had a crazy mental picture of me fighting tooth and nail to avoid so much as a ripple! Crazier still is that once it starts it comes back on over itself until it cannot help but effect everything inside of it ) Throughout this I have felt as if I had all these expectations hanging over me. That may not be the case it may just be paranoia or nerves or whatever. I cannot help but notice that I am so much less of a mess... then again that is life. It helps you undertake the great task of reworking yourself and as with any trial getting back God and to the Word. (really what matters) Love to all! And goodnight/mornin ;)
To smile and accept the things that you don't know
The losses and the gains blurred
The weight of these as last words"
-Dawes
So these past few weeks have been somewhat trying. Ok, they've been downright AWFUL. I have been trying to be a gracious and open but I must say that I have been having a hard time of it. I cannot go against my conscience or my soul. Maybe I was the one at fault for going forward when I had doubts. Naturally I assumed they would dissipate or at least I would be able "handle" them. I am not condemning anyone, in fact I feel as if I am releasing him to live his life as he sees fit. I have never been one to force my views at anyone especially people that are close to me. I give them my view then allow them to make their own decisions. Choose what you want. I will surely abide by mine, even if that means waking away. What hurts the most is that you couldn't even give your HONEST opinion about me. Friends do that for one another... Perhaps it was you trying to "protect" me or hoped that eventually I would change but to speak truth: I like myself just the way I AM. Do not think that I say that just to cause a stir, heh if anything I try to keep the boat from rocking, as it were. (Just had a crazy mental picture of me fighting tooth and nail to avoid so much as a ripple! Crazier still is that once it starts it comes back on over itself until it cannot help but effect everything inside of it ) Throughout this I have felt as if I had all these expectations hanging over me. That may not be the case it may just be paranoia or nerves or whatever. I cannot help but notice that I am so much less of a mess... then again that is life. It helps you undertake the great task of reworking yourself and as with any trial getting back God and to the Word. (really what matters) Love to all! And goodnight/mornin ;)
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
It goes on
Life never plays out the way we hope it would.... I wish I could of looked ahead and realized that sometimes people make choices that change what we think of life. I could not have predicted that my heart would take me in a totally different direction than I originally thought. We run around desperately trying to convince ourselves of what we want, and yet is it REALLY what we were after?!
"Relationships are hard!" everyone tells me. With this little taste I have had I can say that is true, I wouldn't go so far as to say they are not worth it but that you better make sure you are willing to explore yourself to see how far you can go. KNOW TO BE KNOWN.
Even if you see that ending it is what is best (and it hurts but it's necessary) you can still be friends and get along... well not that everyone can do this but at least you try. Right?
"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Phil 4:11
"Relationships are hard!" everyone tells me. With this little taste I have had I can say that is true, I wouldn't go so far as to say they are not worth it but that you better make sure you are willing to explore yourself to see how far you can go. KNOW TO BE KNOWN.
Even if you see that ending it is what is best (and it hurts but it's necessary) you can still be friends and get along... well not that everyone can do this but at least you try. Right?
"Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Phil 4:11
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Today
Hello Everyone!
So I know that I have been a bit lax in writing... Hmm what has been going on. Well spring is coming along :) I hope to see birds and spot buds soon. Spring is one of the joys in life that you better take time to appreciate because it is pretty special. The vibrancy and life in everything is intoxicating! I so LOVE being able to walk around and just soak it all up.
Miscommunication... goodness. This has to be the root of most (if not all) problems! It is so funny how we are quick to put our own connotations to e-mails, phone calls, and conversations. Not that we go about seeking to muddle up everything it's just how it seems to happen.
Going to St. Paul tomorrow to work on Purity Retreat stuff. Looking forward to visiting with the Toombs! :D
So I know that I have been a bit lax in writing... Hmm what has been going on. Well spring is coming along :) I hope to see birds and spot buds soon. Spring is one of the joys in life that you better take time to appreciate because it is pretty special. The vibrancy and life in everything is intoxicating! I so LOVE being able to walk around and just soak it all up.
Miscommunication... goodness. This has to be the root of most (if not all) problems! It is so funny how we are quick to put our own connotations to e-mails, phone calls, and conversations. Not that we go about seeking to muddle up everything it's just how it seems to happen.
Going to St. Paul tomorrow to work on Purity Retreat stuff. Looking forward to visiting with the Toombs! :D
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
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